-- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
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Abilene TX (Unassociated Press) - JUNE 6,
2008Springboro, Ohio-based
cornholeportal.com board of directors has decided to investigate the various
doomsday reports (that all seem to originate in Texas) by initiating an
enterprising new doomsday survival program. Owing to a down turn in
the over all Cornhole game industry, CEO/CFO John Edelmann had petitioned
the board earlier today to field a new service to the cornhole-playing
public, to purchase coupons which will enable would-be doomsday enthusiasts
to be guaranteed one of a limited number of seats aboard a new Doomsday
Transit Authority Ark, should the need for such a vessel arise.
After discussing the issue with the board, it
was agreed that this "ark" will provide safe passage to those enterprising
individuals who are willing to contribute a small sum of money in exchange
for a coupon with a special serial number, which will serve as a seat
reservation of sorts. No representation is made, of course, regarding
the need for such a vessel, the likelihood of any impending doomsday
event, nor the probability of increased survival should passage aboard the
ark be booked. Says Edelmann, "Given the rampant hysteria around
doomsday predictions these days, we feel confident that we'll be sold out of
seats in no time."
Further, in an effort to minimize the
financial burden such a venture will likely entail, the directors of
cornholeportal.com have decided to branch out and in so doing, have created
the new J3+T (triple J + T) consortium to handle the impending
business affairs. This concern will be operated out of Abilene, Texas,
in keeping with the propensity the state has for attracting cults, prophets,
and other soothsayers of doomsday hysteria. "We were afraid we might
not be taken seriously, if word were to get out that we were really
operating out of Springboro, Ohio", acknowledged Edelmann.
As a result of the
tremendous interest we have received in this endeavor, TripleJ+T has moved
ahead with plans to make these coupons available to the doomsday focused
public. Therefore,
to purchase your very own coupon click on the "buy
now" button located below. Each coupon costs just $4.00.
After paying with paypal, you will receive an Email
with a download link to acquire your very own coupon.
Actual ticket prices to secure Ark
passage have not been established, but are expected to be in the range of
from $500 for 2nd and 3rd class accommodations to as high as $1500 depending
on the availability of balconies and other amenities.
Please Note: Your $4.00 constitutes a
contribution to the DTAA endeavor. It is neither tax deductible nor
refundable in keeping with Payloadz rules regarding the purchase of
electronic media (PDF file). If you do not receive the email with the
download link for your PDF coupon, please check to make sure your email is
able to RECEIVE email from the Payloadz website. It may have been
intercepted as junk mail.
ABOUT CORNHOLEPORTAL.COM
cornholeportal.com is a typical fly by night
".com" producer of cornhole game sets, plans, and proprietor of sometimes
useless information related to the sport of cornhole. Ran out of a garage,
the concern has been a major player in the corn kernel-based entertainment
industry since July 5, 2003, and boasts rapidly decreasing annual sales of
what was once nearly (but not
quite) $1.5K. A widely known secret is that the concern also makes fine
local wines, including grape, elder blossom, and mulberry.
=================== Earlier News Releases
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-- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
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Springboro, OH (Unassociated Press) - AUG 17 2007
Springboro, Ohio-based cornholeportal.com
reported a major slump in 3rd quarter sales of finished cornhole games
sets. This comes as more bad news to the already shaky stock market awash
in red this week, as investors seek to minimize fallout from the recent
volatility of the Dow. "We have to conclude", says CEO/CFO John Edelmann,
"that people are too concerned about having a house over their heads, to
have time to entertain neighbors and family over a quiet game of CornHole."
You'd think, though, that relaxation is just
what the masses need.
"We feel that once the mortgage crisis bottoms
out, there will be whole scale resurgence in party pastimes, including, of
course, CornHole gaming equipment", Edelmann said. "Once people have a warm
fuzzy feeling that they'll be able to keep their game sets out of the
elements in their own garages and homes again, the market will certainly
rebound."
Of course, the impact of the cornhole game slump
isn't limited to cornholeportal.com. "We feel that the impact of burgeoning
stock piles of farm corn used to make the bags used for the popular game
will have dire consequences for farmers nationwide, as the price of feed
corn falls as well," states Jerry Steiner, cornholeportal.com Board
Chairman. "Smaller corn farmers will likely go out of business, unless
they secure interested buyers for ethanol fuel producers." On the other
hand, the result of decreased corn bag sales may, in fact, be a boon to the
meat industry, as the over all price of feed corn for beef producers falls.
"If fewer sales of our cornhole games result in
cheaper steak, then I'm all for it," quipped Steiner.
Following that strange statement, it was
reported that CEO/CFO Edelmann noted with dismay that perhaps it would be
better to sell homemade wine instead.
Given the fact that cornholeportal.com is a
privately held company with a majority of its business operated from a
garage, Chicago Board of Trade analysts are left scratching their collective
heads, as to why there would be a relationship between the woes of
cornholeportal.com, and the price of commodities such as feed corn. Analyst
Larry Wholescumb said "We feel that the impact of corn hole gaming and the
price of corn is really over blown. Certainly," he said, "the impact on
the lumber industry should be far greater." Canadian plywood and other
lumber materials are a main constituent in reputable cornhole game set
manufacture.
-- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE --
ABOUT CORNHOLEPORTAL.COM
cornholeportal.com is a typical fly by night
".com" producer of cornhole game sets, plans, and proprietor of sometimes
useless information related to the sport of cornhole. Ran out of a garage,
the concern has been a major player in the corn kernel-based entertainment
activity since July 5, 2003, and boasts annual sales of nearly (but not
quite) $1.5K. A widely known secret is that the concern also makes fine
local wines, including grape, elder blossom, and mulberry.